中年ET

High school classmate uploaded a photo of me as S’ bride’s maid last DEC on facebook. I don’t know if they would like to be on my blog since we are not very close friends so I had to delete them.

After all the photos I think this one got the best shot of me from that day. Somehow I look radiant, gorgeous, and happy. Thanks to UFO since he was the photographer if my memory correct.

In the morning of mid-autumn festival I went to massage, talked a lot to the masseuse, more like dumping all the accumulated emotions and stresses over the years.

I talked about family problems, work issues, personal relationships, etc. Then I realized it’s more like talking to a shrink. The masseuse was very understanding and explained Buddhism to comfort me. I felt very very relieved after the massage/talk.

After I told her what sort of happened for the past years, she was firstly shocked like everyone else. After a while so she could digest the news, she said to me I must first try to not blame myself for everything that had happened. While I ask for Buddha’s mercy and forgiveness I must be aware that none of the shit happened was my fault.

In the beginning I was sort of thinking, I never thought any of those was my fault anyway. Then after I got home and be alone for a while, I realized what she means. I have to confess deep deep inside of my mind I do think what had happened was kinda partially my fault.

If I could’ve done it this way or that way or whatever way, maybe if I could prevent it or change the outcome or just u know, whatever,…

Then I recall how I would excuse myself when ppl ask me why I don’t have a BF. I would reply “coz no one wanna marry me” or similar stuff.

Maybe coz deep inside I think above statement is true…

Aiya… good to learn more about myself…

Masseuse in the end suggested me to get more time alone to feel my own feelings. I only hope I will have more time alone after I move in new house… hehehe